College kids are horny. Plain and simple. But in a list published this week by The Daily Beast, and then restated in Glamour Magazine, a group of analysts ranked the 25 horniest schools across the country. And the ’Cac—surprisingly enough—made quite a showing, taking five of the top 25 spots! 20% of the horniest college-aged kids in America are Cac-ites (Well, maybe not, considering school size, but you know what we mean.)
In what came as a surprise to nobody, Wesleyan ranked as the number one horniest school. The Beast’s metric of horny-ness is largely based off of College Prowler reviews, most of which for Wes probably say things like “OMG I HEARD THERE WAS A NAKED PARTY ONCE”; though the Eclectic House’s naked party was abolished in 2010, we think Wes probably deserves the title anyway.
Bowdoin and Middlebury made a respectable showing, coming in at 4th and 9th, respectively. Our speculation? It’s so damn cold up there, those kids aren’t necessarily ragingly horny but rather are in dire need of combining body heat to survive the winter months.
Trinity was ranked the 11th horniest, and Hamilton finished off the ’Cac portion of the list at 15. Perhaps they’re craving sexual encounters because doing anything in Hartford at night is more dangerous than even the most advanced sexual maneuvers, and because doing anything in Clinton at night is impossible because, well, its Clinton.
For the schools that didn’t make the cut – we’re sure you all would have been on there if the list had been top 50, as long as those Williams kids stop working long enough to notice that other people on campus do actually exist.
But in all seriousness – well as serious as one can get about a ranking of horniest colleges – we’re proud to see the ’Cac so well represented on this list that includes other large schools like University of Miami and University of Oregon. It’s not often we see our names on these kind of rankings. Smartest schools? Best liberal arts colleges in America? Most expensive institutions? Sure. But when it comes to lists about partying and hooking up and most things not academic, our 2,000-student schools just can’t compete with those large universities.
We’d like to think we dominated this list (the Ivy League only has 4 schools represented so HA TAKE THAT!) for two reasons: 1. Cac kids are generally a very attractive, fit bunch, a group of students who are naturally good looking but also take an interest in their appearance, so of course we’re attracted to our fellow classmates. And 2. We’re working so freaking hard (when was the last time you didn’t spend a Sunday in the library), we need to distract ourselves from the immense workload. And what better way to relax and get your mind off of things than by daydreaming about a sexual encounter with that hottie from your Orgo class? Or even better, having that sexual encounter?
Again, we’re proud of you Wes, Bowdoin, Midd, Trinity and Hamilton. Thanks for embodying our favorite ’Cac motto: Work Hard…Work Really Hard…But Have Lots of Sex Too.
